An Anxiety Catch Up (Diary Post)

Hey Lovelies, these past few weeks have been a bit strange for me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, worry and anxiety and I want to tell you some of the things I’ve learnt as they can help you too!

As you know, I’ve been making some big changes in my life the past few months; this is to counter the unhappiness and lack of fulfilment that has plagued me for years. The journey has been a whirlwind but I’m happy to finally share my experiences.

I left full time employment in May of this year and since then I have been working part time at Allsaints and spending the rest of my time doing the following:

• Running my Blog
• Researching and scheduling my Instagram posts
• Drafting and finalising blog posts
• Trialling new ways to combat bad habits
• Maintaining existing friendships
• Working out where my anxiety stems from
• Researching new trends
• Taking photos for Instagram
• Addressing and implementing new life strategy
• Worrying
• Constantly battling negative thoughts about myself

All of that is without adding basic self care like eating three meals a day, exercising and sleeping seven hours each night. Furthermore, it definitely doesn’t include trying to think of ways to make my millions, conjure interesting blog posts and spend time with my boyfriend. The odds were stacking against me and something had to give – and it did.

I got myself a note from the doctor and have taken a few weeks off work to recalibrate my frazzled brain. The days that followed have been a rollercoaster of emotions but I feel like I’m getting to grips with life again. I have a reclaimed my ability to complete items on my to-do list. And most importantly, I’ve been taking these small, easy steps to refocus my brain.

• Eating three meals a day
• Drinking plenty water
• Showering daily
• Brushing my teeth (twice daily)

Believe me, I know that sounds gross and obvious but in my bad patch I used to spend all day in bed doing nothing for weeks on end. I feel that going back to basics has really helped to stabilise my mind. It’s crazy how we will overlook the necessities of simple self care to try and get everything else completed. The problem I had was focusing too much on my big goals and as a result, the idea of doing them all had shocked me to paralysis.

 

To stay level, from this point onwards I’m going to focus on doing small actions every day and build from there. Honestly, if all you can manage in a day is to eat three meals, drink enough water and not cry then that’s an accomplishment to be proud of!

 

One of the reasons I started back at the beginning with treating anxiety is because it was recommended for me. Mel Robbins is the best selling author of “Stop Saying You’re Fine:” and “The 5 Second Rule”. I first found Mel when her “How to stop screwing yourself over ” Ted talk video popped into my suggested feed and I followed her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.

 

Just recently, Mel posted a story on Instagram asking people to send problems they have been struggling to overcome. I sent my own (after a few revisions) and was fortunate enough to get a response from the lady herself! I mean, come on… Mel Fricking Robbins, Best Selling Author, Most Booked female motivational speaker and an absolute babe actually replied to my message! Mel then asked if she could record an answer to my question for a video. It has been uploaded onto her YouTube channel so that it can help others too! Be warned though, she is very to the point and direct with her words. (You can click here to watch it)

 

Receiving a personalised message like this was an incredible boost for me. This was massively significant, as I have been such an admirer of Mel and her work for such a long time. That said, I had greatly underestimated the power of taking action and the message definitely gave me the kick I needed.

With all of that said and done, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?

“Vicki, I thought you said that depression and anxiety doesn’t affect you anymore!”

Weeelllll, it doesn’t. At least it doesn’t bother me the way it used to. I’m over sitting on the floor all day, rocking back and forth and thinking of all the problems I had. Now, I’ve learnt what my mind and body need to do to reset – and I honour that, instead of fighting against it. Not to get too scientific but it is our brains job to protect us from harm. It stems from our primitive beginnings and having to survive a much harsher world than the one we live in today. The important part is to find a harmonious balance and healthy relationship with this part of the mind so that we can grow with it instead of fighting against it.

So, here’s to the little steps. The small actions in the right direction that have slowly built me back up to level foundations.

If any of you are interested in a more in-depth article regarding any of the points raised, please drop me a comment and I will be happy to delve into it for you.

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Thursday 28th September

Hey Lovelies,

How are you?

I wanted to pop up a tiny little diary entry tonight just to say a few things to you all. I’m currently in the process of trying to beat a huge procrastination problem. I seem to have all of these great ideas and plans in my head but can never seem to fabricate them into anything more than just thoughts.

Do any of you ever have this? What do you do to combat it?

I’ve been listening to a book by Mel Robbins called ‘The Five Second Rule’ which in the simplest of explanations means that when you have an idea you count down from five to one and then move to act upon that idea. Which seems like an amazing premise, I just can’t even seem to get the motivation together to do that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I’ve just been in this slump.

I’m upset that my blog and Instagram aren’t making any money (through affiliate links and adverts), and by worrying about that I know I’m pushing it further and further away from me. I mean, how do you trust that the universe has your back when it’s not delivering the things you want.

I’ve also been listening to an audiobook called ‘Get Rich, Lucky Bitch’ which talks about how to overcome your money troubles and move your mindset into a money making magnet. Again, this seems like a great premise but I just never sit down and listen to it. It’s like I have this problem with actually changing my life. Why, oh why can’t I be a doer.

It’s really getting to the point where I’m starting to feel sad, dissatisfied and distant from my blog and Instagram account.

The thing is, I LOVE writing, I love creating content that people enjoy, I really do. I just can’t seem to shift myself into that mindset and change anything about myself.

☹️

I want to do more, I want to be more. I’m just not sure how to overcome this issue and get into the mind frame of ‘Get Shit Done’

I’m sorry this isn’t a very positive post, Loves. I think sometimes I just need to let a few things out.

xo

Thursday 21st September

Hey Lovelies,

How are you all doing?

So I wrote a blog post on Tuesday, I pulled all of my emotions out of my chest, through my fingers and into the keys of my iPad keyboard in the hopes that it would remove this vast void of transparency that I’ve been engulfed by the past few weeks. I was ready to finalise and post it when something made me stop. It told me to reconsider putting out so much sadness and insecurity into the world, so I went to bed instead.

Today I woke up feeling the exact same transparency but I just can’t bring myself to talk about it anymore. I’d much rather get through this by writing something meaningful and uplifting, than something to tear open the emotional flood gates. So instead I’m writing today to make a promise to you all. A promise that I wont give up.

At nineteen, full of life, love and rebellion I went to a friend and had a tattoo on a black leather sofa. The sofa was covered in dog hair, the tattooist was covered in terrible tattoos and my wrist is forever scarred with the words ‘Nunquam Redono” which in Latin (hopefully) translates to ‘Never Give Up’ (Ironic, I know but Carpe Diem seemed too mainstream, please don’t judge my teenage years, I beg of you). For years I’ve looked at this terrible tattoo with regret and uneasiness as to its legitimacy but no more. It is now a symbol that I will become a person of note, a do-er, a yes girl.

No more apathy and self pity, its time to dig myself out of my hole, sort my life out and climb that fucking ladder straight to the top.

 

Let’s do this, Lovelies!!

Yours,

A pumped up, fed up, fucked up but not giving up, VickiAmaya

xo

 

 

Tuesday 29th August

Growing is hard. Growing means you have to look deep inside yourself and confront the bits that you despise. Growing is noticing how some things will always wind you up and trying to find the strength from deep down inside you to not react as you would always react.

At Twenty Seven years old, I can happily hold my hands up and admit everything that I love about myself, but for some reason I cannot muster the courage to admit and change the things I am not in love with. My mind has convulsed that ‘It’s just the way I am”.

I am far more comfortable with knowing that I can pick myself back up if I hit rock bottom again, than striving for anything above average. I’m scared to succeed.

Depression taught me to fear the negative thoughts inside my head, that if I start to think bad things then surely I’m spiralling downwards. To stay on the upwards peak, to appreciate all things good and abolish all things negative.

So, why is it that knowing I still have negative tendencies when it comes to change, can I not shake them away with a dose of positivity? Why do I dwell in the depths of despair. Waste my own time in worrying about all the things that could go wrong instead of bathing in all that could go right?

Thursday 17th August

Hey Lovelies,

I hope you are all doing well.

I started this little section of my blog with the intention of writing down a few more specific and personal aspects of my daily life. General thoughts, feelings and aspirations as it were. I know a lot of you will love reading this and I know that I will enjoy writing without having to edit out the limitations a fashion and beauty blogger has in front of them.

Today is 17th August 2017, my best friends birthday! I’m currently sat in a gym cafe, waiting for my boyfriend to finish his set so we can go food shopping. Something that I haven’t mentioned on my Instagram account is that we have both taken a plunge and dived into vegetarianism. We’re about a week in so far and have been really enjoying meal times again. Furthermore, its actually given us an excuse to get out the cookbooks so we don’t eat the same three vegetables over and over again!

We’re currently working out way through the new Fearne Cotton  Eat, Cook, Love“” book which is incredible. I happen to be a long time lover of Fearne, I have her older cookbook “Cook Happy, Cook Healthy” and her book “Happy” on my bookshelf. Her being a vegetarian has only increased the level of yumminess some of the dishes have. I also think she has an amazing style and it is something that has heavily influenced my own fashion choices.

I bought myself a dairy last night along with my gorgeous yellow jumper so I can now start to map out my day to day. I know that this is going to be really beneficial, as much as I would love to say with hand on heart that I am a spontaneous person. I know it isn’t true. I LOVE order, structure, routine, habit… Maybe that’s why I’m so critical of myself and find it so hard to start new things. Well, no more! From this point onwards, with my diary at my side, I shall conquer the world.

A few things I am planning to schedule into my day to day are as follows:

Exercise Daily
Swim once a week
Read one book a fortnight
Learn a new language (German, to start with)
One random act of kindness a month
Practise guitar
Practise vlogging. (To eventually turn into Vlog weekly)
Practise Yoga
Meditate every morning/night

Obviously, this list will probably grow to 5 times the size but for now, I’m happy to admit and convict myself to these things. Now all I need to do is look at my free time and slot them in.

I’ve listed all the items mentioned in this post below, so you can check them out for yourself.

Until next time,

VickiAmaya

xo