Going Deep

Hey Lovelies,

How are you?

Let’s go deep with this one…

Life is as hard as you make it for yourself. You are responsible for all the bad things that happen to you (at least, that’s my personal opinion and experience), but you are also responsible for all the good things that can happen to you.

Life can be chaotic, soul crushing, painful and god damn frustrating at times but you can also experience so much pleasure from the little things. The thrill of passionately kissing your significant other in the dark hours of the night, the excitement of running fast, away from authority when you’re a teenager, laughing so hard that your stomach cramps up and you can’t breathe, the gentle rapping of rain from a storm on your bedroom window.
You only have to open your heart to let yourself start to feel these things. When you do, feel them with every fibre of your being. It won’t take you long to realise that for any bad, there is an unfathomable amount of good that can overthrow the darkness that sometimes engulfs us all.

I spent years and years in the dark, trying to convince myself that I could fit a square into a circular hole. Desperately wanting to make every job I gained, be the one that made me. Unapologetically pouring my heart into every boy I met, in the desperate hope that they would be the one to take me away from the world I had grown accustom to. Push me into some brand new, unknown mystery of love, acceptance and excitement. I wasted hours of my existence on the negative thoughts that others could have had about me. The unsaid opinions, the possible dirty looks, the suggestive sniggers and for what? To fit into a society that applauds the average, the safe bets and the low risk takers…

I didn’t know that to open my eyes and really experience life, I only had to learn who I was and what I wanted for myself. To stop filling the silence and allow the ‘little me’ a chance on the soapbox for a change. To be part of the world that I was so desperate to escape from. To live in harmony with it instead of fighting with all my might to be above it all.

There was a point in my life that I had convinced myself I couldn’t be put through any more negativity. That things were so painful, so gut wrenchingly bad that I physically couldn’t bear to take one more breathe. I mean, put yourself in that position for just a moment and try to picture desperately sobbing yourself to sleep every night because you cannot see any escape from your pit of self pity and depression. I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated how I was living, where I was living, I hated the experiences I had had. I wasn’t living, I was surviving. Breathing in and out for the only reason that I had nothing else to do. I knew no other way of life. In and out of sleep all night and all day, eating just to kill the pain of hunger, drinking to numb the pain of thirst. Crying so hard that your body spasms, lying on the floor with hatred for your own existence. Rocking back and forth over and over with your arms cuddling your knees to stop yourself from grabbing something sharp and ramming it across your throat.
For all the adjectives in the world, there are none that can truly express how depression feels.

I am only human, but my god – what a human I am now! I opened my eyes to everything life had to offer me at twenty five years old. I let the ‘little me’ shout from the rooftops, I embraced each negative action and reaction and I looked deep inside myself to find the root cause for all my sadness. After that, things just fell into place and I understood. I understood that sometimes people just have to go through something awful and soul destroying to find themselves; find the goodness and positivity that they know they desperately want but have struggled so hard to locate.

I had to go through every tear, every bad word, every judgemental look, every cut, every heartbreak, every false friend and every experience good or bad because without them, I wouldn’t be here, as I am. How and who I am.

I’m not a perfect example of a human, but I’m a human that is learning, growing and living each day with gratitude for each breath. I know that my life could have been completely different. I know that I may not have even had a life at all. With one action, it could have all been taken away and in its place, a void for friends and family to attempt to fill.

I wrote this with the intention of just getting my deep thoughts and feelings onto a page. To release some emotion and let my truly unedited mind seep out. You all know that I want to write a book about my experiences with depression and anxiety, so maybe this can be my foreword, my introduction to a book not yet written.

I love you guys, so much. Thank you for joining me on this adventure.

VickiAmaya

xo

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8 Comments

  1. Iain
    08/03/2017 / 9:14 pm

    Gosh. What a read, and you’ve been so open and frank. It’s a wealth of experience, and no doubt will help many.

  2. 07/31/2017 / 2:56 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this post, sometimes it is really important to let it all go and writing is a very therapeutic way. I agree with you, we are responsible for the good and bad things that happens to us by having a good or a bad attitude towards life. And yeah, there are times when you feel so much that you want to stop feeling at all even if it’s just for a moment but always remember that life is more than the bad moments and there’s bravery in admitting you’re wrong, or if you have a problem or simply if you don’t feel happy with your life. The most important thing is to realized that and move forward.

  3. Terence.
    07/14/2017 / 11:12 am

    Thank you Vicki

    I wouldn’t burden you with myself. I just do what I can each and everyday.

    Right at this min I’ve had to have my blood rushed off to testing in case of DVT. Maybe this is the cause of my chest pains. My shortness of breath and the overwhelming fear that I may just die. Sometimes I wish it would. But then i find a reason to love but that never lasts. Nothing wonderful ever does. I’ll just keep looking forward to maybe one day passing you in the street and have an embracing hug.

    • VickiAmaya
      Author
      07/15/2017 / 9:58 am

      My heart goes out to you, Terence! You are the reason I’m writing as I am and trying to make a difference in the world.
      I hope we can do that one day! x

  4. Terence.
    07/12/2017 / 2:35 pm

    I like you have been fighting the inner demons of depression and anxiety for the best part of 16 years. It all started before my teens in which my parents decided that eno8gh was enough and the fights begun. They stabbed each other many times over with kitchen knives and my dad pull a gun on my mum a couple of times and this all in front on me. It messed me up somewhat. The blood. The swearing. The violence. And all before I even hit my teens. I didn’t have a way out. I was an only child and had no one to turn to. It was messed up. By the time I was 17 I had been into so much trouble and got caught up in a world I thought was my family. It wasn’t. I got kidnapped for money and paraded around like a trophy and told I was going to be killed in Epping forest. I had never been so scared. I did everything I could over two days and finally got away. Right after that I went into hiding till I got a spot in the army. I needed a way out. A way to escape this life. A new family. For what I thought. It lasted a while but that place was no good for my mind. So I got out and went back to a world of drink and drugs. I always promised myself by the time I got 25 I’d give it all up. Two days before that birthday I did that. I quit my job. Moved away and changed my whole life. Yet I’m still haunted by anxiety and depression lingers in the background just waiting for me to give up. I thought I found love in an older woman. She had it all. Houses, cats and money. She used it all to try an lire me in and in a way it worked, she wanted to give me everything, but had a secret. She was an alcoholic. I tried to work thought it but she threw tantrums and abused me time and time again, I always promised I’d be nothing like my father. I’d never hit a woman.l and I didn’t. Not once. She tried to rape me several time because she was drunk and I wouldn’t have sex with her. So the abused happened again, from hitting my face, pulling my hair and kicking in the private parts. These are parts of my reasons. I’m now in my 30s and fighting that battle each and every day.

    • VickiAmaya
      Author
      07/13/2017 / 10:13 pm

      Thank you for sharing your story with me, I am so sorry to learn of the negativity and suffering you’ve experienced. I think the important thing is to let go of any negative emotions andforgive where you can! Do not blame yourself for any of this as it is not your fault at all. I’m here if it ever gets too much for you. X

    • VickiAmaya
      Author
      07/05/2017 / 1:51 pm

      Thank you Girly!! 🙂 xx

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