How are you?
Let’s go deep with this one…
Life is as hard as you make it for yourself. You are responsible for all the bad things that happen to you (at least, that’s my personal opinion and experience), but you are also responsible for all the good things that can happen to you.
Life can be chaotic, soul crushing, painful and god damn frustrating at times but you can also experience so much pleasure from the little things. The thrill of passionately kissing your significant other in the dark hours of the night, the excitement of running fast, away from authority when you’re a teenager, laughing so hard that your stomach cramps up and you can’t breathe, the gentle rapping of rain from a storm on your bedroom window.
You only have to open your heart to let yourself start to feel these things. When you do, feel them with every fibre of your being. It won’t take you long to realise that for any bad, there is an unfathomable amount of good that can overthrow the darkness that sometimes engulfs us all.
I spent years and years in the dark, trying to convince myself that I could fit a square into a circular hole. Desperately wanting to make every job I gained, be the one that made me. Unapologetically pouring my heart into every boy I met, in the desperate hope that they would be the one to take me away from the world I had grown accustom to. Push me into some brand new, unknown mystery of love, acceptance and excitement. I wasted hours of my existence on the negative thoughts that others could have had about me. The unsaid opinions, the possible dirty looks, the suggestive sniggers and for what? To fit into a society that applauds the average, the safe bets and the low risk takers…
I didn’t know that to open my eyes and really experience life, I only had to learn who I was and what I wanted for myself. To stop filling the silence and allow the ‘little me’ a chance on the soapbox for a change. To be part of the world that I was so desperate to escape from. To live in harmony with it instead of fighting with all my might to be above it all.
There was a point in my life that I had convinced myself I couldn’t be put through any more negativity. That things were so painful, so gut wrenchingly bad that I physically couldn’t bear to take one more breathe. I mean, put yourself in that position for just a moment and try to picture desperately sobbing yourself to sleep every night because you cannot see any escape from your pit of self pity and depression. I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated how I was living, where I was living, I hated the experiences I had had. I wasn’t living, I was surviving. Breathing in and out for the only reason that I had nothing else to do. I knew no other way of life. In and out of sleep all night and all day, eating just to kill the pain of hunger, drinking to numb the pain of thirst. Crying so hard that your body spasms, lying on the floor with hatred for your own existence. Rocking back and forth over and over with your arms cuddling your knees to stop yourself from grabbing something sharp and ramming it across your throat.
For all the adjectives in the world, there are none that can truly express how depression feels.
I am only human, but my god – what a human I am now! I opened my eyes to everything life had to offer me at twenty five years old. I let the ‘little me’ shout from the rooftops, I embraced each negative action and reaction and I looked deep inside myself to find the root cause for all my sadness. After that, things just fell into place and I understood. I understood that sometimes people just have to go through something awful and soul destroying to find themselves; find the goodness and positivity that they know they desperately want but have struggled so hard to locate.
I had to go through every tear, every bad word, every judgemental look, every cut, every heartbreak, every false friend and every experience good or bad because without them, I wouldn’t be here, as I am. How and who I am.
I’m not a perfect example of a human, but I’m a human that is learning, growing and living each day with gratitude for each breath. I know that my life could have been completely different. I know that I may not have even had a life at all. With one action, it could have all been taken away and in its place, a void for friends and family to attempt to fill.
I wrote this with the intention of just getting my deep thoughts and feelings onto a page. To release some emotion and let my truly unedited mind seep out. You all know that I want to write a book about my experiences with depression and anxiety, so maybe this can be my foreword, my introduction to a book not yet written.
I love you guys, so much. Thank you for joining me on this adventure.