This New Year – A Revival

Vicki Amaya

Two Thousand and Eighteen

A new year, a new start. Three hundred and sixty five opportunities to learn and grow. I enter at the age of twenty eight, with gratitude, knowledge and love. I’m not sure why, but I have such a euphoric buzz about it. Everywhere I look it seems that people are calling 2018, the best year ever! Weirder still, for once – I believe it will be.

Lets Recap – 2017

At the start of 2017, I felt hopeful. There were dreams of a better life, dreams of big change and a glimmer of optimism. I had been working for an Alarm Installation and maintenance company for a little over 12 months and felt stable (for the most part). Gone was the pressure of learning how to do the job. Forgotten was the mid-year melt down of ’16. I was ready to start anew and refreshed from the Christmas break. I could go to work every day of the week, for 52 weeks of the year. No longer did I need to have time off for anxiety or depression. It was gone.

I had made two promises to myself for 2017. The first was to play more guitar and the second was to go on holiday. Fairly easy on the ol’ resolutions list, I’ll admit. Yet, these were big accomplishments for me. Never have I felt able to complete or achieve anything of note. A stable income was foreign to me. I had always needed money to pay my way. Had always needed a job to survive. Why would I spend money on a holiday, when it was needed to pay rent and bills?

Though, I felt If I wanted to see changes, I had to make changes. With a swift decision and a box of peroxide, my hair was transformed from dull blonde to bright yellow, then silver. A small decision that shaped my life for the better (As you all know)!

As January passed by, I decided to take my Instagram account and Blog more seriously. I started uploading pictures five days a week and on the 11th February 2017 my little Instagram account hit 1000 followers! Around the same time, one of my photos hit 2000 likes.

“The Highs Are So High”

In May I made the brash and ballsy decision to quit my full time, stable 9-5 job and go it alone. Diving straight into the world of the budding bloggers and Instagram influencers. Whilst, I cannot regret the decision to leave forks (just kidding, I’m not Bella Swan) the longest job role i’d ever had. Looking back, I know I could have handled the actual leaving aspect a lot more gracefully.

I think I left prematurely and without a plan but my god, I was determined as hell to make this work. One of the problems that comes with entrepreneurial endeavours is that there isn’t a step by step guide. There may have been thousands of blog posts, infographs and YouTube videos explaining how to “become a successful blogger”, but very few give the actual breakdown. The nitty, gritty need to know information.

Though I hustled, I girl bossed, I pushed through the doubt, worry and fear of failure… I was still making no money. (Side note- I’m still not)

Penniless and fearing debt, I applied for a part time role in a fashion store called Allsaints. With my wage halved but my free time overflowing I felt renewed and slightly relieved.

August brought an opportunity to backpack through Germany and Austria. My Partner, My Mum and My Nan all put forward a small loan to fund my tour. Not that I have many holidays to compare it to, but it was one of the most beautiful and liberating trips I have experienced. If you’re looking for a place to spend a few days, please visit Berchtesgaden and Salzburg.

“The Lows Are Killing Me”

In early October the cracks started to show. Although I had more free time, it came in the form of one day on and one day off work. Also, I had pulled my back muscles just prior to my backpacking adventure and two shifts back at work, I did it again. This meant having some time off to recover, which is where the negativity bias that once ruled my every move started to creep back in. Resentment for the job, physical pain and a lack of direction left me putting a mountain of unnecessary pressure on myself. Could I really quit another job just because I don’t like the hours? Were the staff really that mean to me? Was I playing out my old habit of job hopping yet again?

After many tears, a drive into the middle of the woods and an emotional chat with my manager, I took some time out to figure out my mind. I wrote a blog post about this time called An Anxiety Catch Up (Diary Post).

I returned to work in early November. The deal was I would work a four week notice period or if they could find a replacement sooner, I could leave. Although relieved, the same uncertainty of my previous abandoning ship encounter wouldn’t drown. With an equal medium for me and my manager, I asked if I could reduce my hours in order to get three consecutive days off. We both agreed that this would be better than quitting and since then it’s been a pleasure to work there.

Praise to the positive – a reflection.

If there is anything I have learnt from 2017, it’s that even the smallest indulgence of negativity can disrupt the entire infrastructure of your life. One throw away comment can shape your outlook, change your mood, thoughts and feelings all for the worse. The remainder of last year was spent focusing solely on positivity. Embracing the good in people, helping others as much as I could, reaching out to more people and giving without a want to receive.

In return, I got perfect clarity for the remainder of that year.

December

On the 13th December, I celebrated my twenty eighth birthday. I was taken for afternoon tea at Ting restaurant located within The Shard. Looking out at the bustling city below whilst sipping a flute of ten year old champagne I came to realise that I’m doing just fine with this living malarkey. Whilst it may have taken others a lot less time to figure this out, for me it is such an achievement to feel it at all. Not to dampen the tone of this post but there is a reality in which I do not exist past the point of 22.

The remaining hours that encapsulated 2017 were filled with my partner and his family. As couples, we watched films in separate rooms then joined to see in the start of the best year ever. We drank champagne (A new celebratory drink of Adam and I), we watched the hootenanny and we relished every hand tick until Big Ben rang out twelve strikes.

The New Year

Which brings us nicely back to this new year. There can be no doubt that I am still a student to the ways of the world. I still have much to learn and experience. However, I feel that I’m able to just crack on and get this year underway without any of the stress and doubt that last year brought. I haven’t made any promises to myself this year. I don’t feel that I need to set myself to targets and achievements. Instead, I have decided that this is the year that my life changes for the better, the year that everything I ever dreamed of comes true.

If you know me now, you know that I am one determined mother-lover. Watch this space lovelies, the times they are a changing’ and they’re changing me.

As always,

All My Love

VickiAmaya.

xx

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Repairing my Bleach Damaged Hair

Okay, Five easy peasy steps to fix up your Damaged Hair.

My hair is turning twenty eight in a few days and what better way can I celebrate that by detailing how I transformed it back to its former (thicker, shinier and less shit) glory. I have been a shampoo and conditioner shuffler for a very long time! I tend to buy the moisturising or the damage repair types. All of which have done very little to actually repair my damaged hair. They would make it smell great and feel silky, but a day later it would be frizzy, dry at the ends and greasy at the root. A thing of real nightmares.

So, I went on a hunt to try and find out EXACTLY what my damaged hair needed. I do want it to survive another year of colourants and heat styling. I came across this blog post that detailed how to find out what your hair is lacking. After testing, I found that my beloved locks were deficient of Keratin. I set about trying to find a budget friendly concoction that contained such a beautiful protein. This proved a struggle and I had almost given up. That was until about two weeks ago, when I stumbled upon a magic formula that has been developed by actual unicorns! My hair has not been so strong, shiny and smooth in YEARS. 

I owe it all to these two little pots of goodness: the BlondMe Keratin Bonding Mask and the BlondMe Keratin Bonding Potion.

Seriously, I used to wake up and my hair would be matted together at the ends (True signs of damaged hair!). When I washed it previously, if I skipped conditioned I could not get a brush through it. It was horrendous.

Okay, Give me the Method, Vicki!

Step 1 – Wash your hair. I’ve been using baby shampoo on mine since I bought the unicorn potion so you can try that if you like.

Step 2 – Towel dry the shit out of it. Or, just dab at it lightly either will do.

Step 3 – Apply the first of your magic elixir (Bonding Potion). Start at the root and pull it right the way to your ends. I used quite a lot on my hair as I wanted to feel the full effect straight away. If you’re like me and you need almost instant effectiveness, then pump the nozzle about five/six times.

Step 4 – Scoop a generous dollop of the Bonding Mask into your hands and work it through from root to ends. Then, leave it to work its tomfoolery for around five minutes.

Step 5 – Rinse off until the water runs clear and voila! You can now resume your normal hair routine with the knowledge that when dry, your hair is going to look and feel amazing.

Bonus Step – I had a little sample pack of the Garnier Ultimate Blends – The Sleek Restorer Mask, from a magazine and as an extra special treat for my hair I put a tiny amount in my ends before drying and again after the smooth out the frizzy bits.

And… How is it now?

I’ve used this treatment (as above) three times now and the difference to my hair is phenominal. It’s so good that I’m not even conditioning it in-between uses anymore. I’m finding less hair breakage when brushing too and it has a lot more volume and shine.

I hope this post is beneficial to all of you damaged hair lovelies out there. As much as I want this process to work for you, please check the above blog post to find out exactly what your own hair needs.

 

VickiAmaya

x

Thursday 28th September

Hey Lovelies,

How are you?

I wanted to pop up a tiny little diary entry tonight just to say a few things to you all. I’m currently in the process of trying to beat a huge procrastination problem. I seem to have all of these great ideas and plans in my head but can never seem to fabricate them into anything more than just thoughts.

Do any of you ever have this? What do you do to combat it?

I’ve been listening to a book by Mel Robbins called ‘The Five Second Rule’ which in the simplest of explanations means that when you have an idea you count down from five to one and then move to act upon that idea. Which seems like an amazing premise, I just can’t even seem to get the motivation together to do that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I’ve just been in this slump.

I’m upset that my blog and Instagram aren’t making any money (through affiliate links and adverts), and by worrying about that I know I’m pushing it further and further away from me. I mean, how do you trust that the universe has your back when it’s not delivering the things you want.

I’ve also been listening to an audiobook called ‘Get Rich, Lucky Bitch’ which talks about how to overcome your money troubles and move your mindset into a money making magnet. Again, this seems like a great premise but I just never sit down and listen to it. It’s like I have this problem with actually changing my life. Why, oh why can’t I be a doer.

It’s really getting to the point where I’m starting to feel sad, dissatisfied and distant from my blog and Instagram account.

The thing is, I LOVE writing, I love creating content that people enjoy, I really do. I just can’t seem to shift myself into that mindset and change anything about myself.

☹️

I want to do more, I want to be more. I’m just not sure how to overcome this issue and get into the mind frame of ‘Get Shit Done’

I’m sorry this isn’t a very positive post, Loves. I think sometimes I just need to let a few things out.

xo

Thursday 21st September

Hey Lovelies,

How are you all doing?

So I wrote a blog post on Tuesday, I pulled all of my emotions out of my chest, through my fingers and into the keys of my iPad keyboard in the hopes that it would remove this vast void of transparency that I’ve been engulfed by the past few weeks. I was ready to finalise and post it when something made me stop. It told me to reconsider putting out so much sadness and insecurity into the world, so I went to bed instead.

Today I woke up feeling the exact same transparency but I just can’t bring myself to talk about it anymore. I’d much rather get through this by writing something meaningful and uplifting, than something to tear open the emotional flood gates. So instead I’m writing today to make a promise to you all. A promise that I wont give up.

At nineteen, full of life, love and rebellion I went to a friend and had a tattoo on a black leather sofa. The sofa was covered in dog hair, the tattooist was covered in terrible tattoos and my wrist is forever scarred with the words ‘Nunquam Redono” which in Latin (hopefully) translates to ‘Never Give Up’ (Ironic, I know but Carpe Diem seemed too mainstream, please don’t judge my teenage years, I beg of you). For years I’ve looked at this terrible tattoo with regret and uneasiness as to its legitimacy but no more. It is now a symbol that I will become a person of note, a do-er, a yes girl.

No more apathy and self pity, its time to dig myself out of my hole, sort my life out and climb that fucking ladder straight to the top.

 

Let’s do this, Lovelies!!

Yours,

A pumped up, fed up, fucked up but not giving up, VickiAmaya

xo

 

 

Falling In Love (With Yourself)

Hey Lovelies,

How are you?

I recently read a blog post by one of my beautiful followers and it instantly prompted me to start jotting this down!

As you all know, I was in a bad relationship for a little while. A relationship where I masked my feelings, shut out the sensible voice inside my head and twisted my every personality trait to suit him. I changed my clothes, my hair, my dress sense, my friends. At the end of it, I was a shell of the person I used to be and for what?!
I’ve seen it over and over again with family, friends and even people on the internet whom I’ve never met. We twist and turn ourselves to suit the recipient. We hide the traits we’ve had all our lives. Hide the quirks, the emotions, the rawness. Why? So we can pretend to be in love…

We put up with the arguments, the snide remarks and at the end of the relationship we are bitter. Bitter and miserable because we changed every aspect of ourselves to make it work for the other half.

Well, I want to tell you a secret. Real love doesn’t need you to compromise. Real love will accept every aspect of you and cherish it over and over again. Real love will keep you young, keep you safe and keep you full of happiness.

I urge you to learn to love, as you want to be loved. Be you, unapologetically. Unforgivingly.

I fell in love with myself at seventeen. I fell in love with the way my eyes caught the sunlight and twinkled a magnificent blue. I fell in love with the way my heart fluttered at each late night discussion with my best friend. I fell in love with my laugh, my breathy chuckle, which turns silent when I’m really humoured.

My impeccable ability to feel emotionally involved with every acoustic song ever created, as though they were handwritten love letters from my heart. My memory of insignificant moments that every one else has long since forgotten. The colour of people’s eyes, their birthdays, the sound of their voice. The smell of their clothes. The soundtracks of boyfriends and best friends and the greatest nights you could ever ask for.

I fell out of love with myself at twenty two. I couldn’t stand the sight of my face. The way I had convinced myself that I could love a man who didn’t care about me. For giving up on the things that I cared about. For not talking to my mum for an entire year. For losing touch with my best friend. For torturing my mind with a constant barrage of negativity. For self harming. For overdosing.

I rekindled a love for myself at twenty five. It was hard at first, but I remembered the way my heart sends out a warm sensation when its a sunny morning and i’m laying in bed with the sunlight streaming through the windows. I remembered how to look at my face with admiration instead of boredom. How I can recite the lyrics to almost any song with only a 5 second preview. The way I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who can pick up a guitar and play effortlessly. Then it started to happen more and more, I would love the way my hair would always fall flat after my uncountable efforts, elixirs and backcombing attempts. The way my cheeks will puff up when I smile. The way I will sing out of key when I can’t hit the notes in a song. The way my body has always stayed slim despite my lack of care for it. The way I can immerse myself into a book and let the world pass by.

You have to love who YOU are because no one will ever be able to make you feel as good as you can make you feel. You know you better than anyone else, so you have earned the right to give yourself all the love you can muster!

Now go and take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself OUT LOUD, one thing that you really love about you.

xo