Tuesday 29th August

Growing is hard. Growing means you have to look deep inside yourself and confront the bits that you despise. Growing is noticing how some things will always wind you up and trying to find the strength from deep down inside you to not react as you would always react.

At Twenty Seven years old, I can happily hold my hands up and admit everything that I love about myself, but for some reason I cannot muster the courage to admit and change the things I am not in love with. My mind has convulsed that ‘It’s just the way I am”.

I am far more comfortable with knowing that I can pick myself back up if I hit rock bottom again, than striving for anything above average. I’m scared to succeed.

Depression taught me to fear the negative thoughts inside my head, that if I start to think bad things then surely I’m spiralling downwards. To stay on the upwards peak, to appreciate all things good and abolish all things negative.

So, why is it that knowing I still have negative tendencies when it comes to change, can I not shake them away with a dose of positivity? Why do I dwell in the depths of despair. Waste my own time in worrying about all the things that could go wrong instead of bathing in all that could go right?

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